


Jackhammer Jesus

by Trash



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Jesus dildos really exist, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-21
Packaged: 2018-01-02 06:09:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash/pseuds/Trash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I refuse to buy you a Jesus-shaped dildo.” Dave says, folding his arms over his chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jackhammer Jesus

“I refuse to buy you a Jesus-shaped dildo.” Dave says, folding his arms over his chest.

Mark is laughing, almost hysterically, and tugging on his boyfriend’s shirt desperately, “Please? Please. It’s so fucking funny. You have to buy me it. It’s Valentine’s day.”

People are walking past where they stand in the middle of Pandora’s Box staring at the religious sex toys. Mark picks up a baby Jesus butt plug and waves it in Dave’s face. “C’mon. I got you that CD you wanted.”

Dave snorts and slaps his hand away, “You got me that CD you wanted. Put the baby Jesus down, please.”

Mark whines petulantly and picks up, instead, a pink Moses and smiles innocently until Dave spins on his heel and walks away muttering, “Fucking baby Jesus butt plug. Gross.”

Jogging out of the shop after him Mark says, “I’ll settle for God’s rod. Although the Jesus one comes with a rap. Listen! Jesus was a carpenter now he is the power tool. He’s the baddest and the best in all of Nazareth. The Jackhammer Jesus has only one rule. Feet first, feet first, not the head fool.”

Dave stares blankly. “Even if I buy it for you, I’m not going near it. So what is the point?”

“Dude, I don’t tour with you to every country. How am I supposed to survive?”

“You seriously want the Jesus-shaped dildo?”

Mark smiles and nods and grabs Dave’s hands, dragging him back into the store. The dildo is sixty nine dollars which is funny for many reasons; one of them being that this is the most expensive sex toy Dave has ever set his eyes on. And sixty nine is generally a funny number and it’s hard not to laugh when they get to the register, especially when Mark starts giggling uncontrollably.

He insists on taking it out of its box and waving it around for about five minutes, trying to hit Dave with it. The store owner looks less than pleased so Dave winks at her and drags his hyperactive boyfriend outside.

“Please but the Jesus dildo away.”

“I love the colour. It’s marble.”

“Mark…seriously…what did you take this morning?”

“Nothing! I’m just happy that it’s Valentine’s day and we’re at home and I can humiliate you in public satisfactorily because everybody here understands what I’m saying. Unlike in France when I got you to confess you’ve tried fisting really loudly and nobody spoke a lick of English…”

“Yeah. Good times.” Dave smirks, snatching the dildo from Mark and putting it back in the box, aware of people staring at him.

One guy walks past and scowls so Mark smiles, “It’s for his wife. His own dick isn’t big enough.”

Which earns him a slap and a laugh, “Is that why you really want the Jesus dildo? Never heard you complaining before.”

Mark snatches the box back. “Nah it’s not that. It’s just that nothing make me clench quite like Christ, you know?” He says, and walks away, swinging the box with each step.


End file.
